Find
a College
Find
a Scholarship
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Argosy University
Campuses:
-
Atlanta
-
Chicago
-
Chicago Northwest
-
Dallas
-
Denver
-
Honolulu
-
Nashville
-
Orange County
-
Phoenix
-
San Francisco Bay Area
-
Sarasota
-
Seattle
-
Tampa
-
Twin Cities
-
Washington DC
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Lesson
Three: Descriptive Sample Essay
Note:
The below essays were not edited by EssayEdge Editors.
They appear as they were initially reviewed by admissions
officers.
SAMPLE
ESSAY 1:
Harvard, personal identity: Bedroom tour
If
someone were to look through your bedroom, what do you
hope your possessions would convey about you?
A
typical teenās room? In some respects, yes, but in many
ways, my room has become an extension of my personality,
interests and values. Upon entering, one would probably
notice the lack of any music group, scantily clad female
model, or indeed, any adornment at all on my walls.
I prefer the unsoiled look of clean walls, which provide
a sense of calm. However, my room is far from military
precision and order; my bed lies unmade and yesterdayās
wardrobe gathers dust on the floor. The visitor may
consider my room tidy, but not inflexible.
While
touring my room, one would surely stop to look through
the roomās workspace, my desk and computer. The desktop
is fairly organized, consisting of a pencil holder,
desk calendar, and assorted textbooks. The calendar
is full of important dates-tests, deadlines, and of
course, the rare days off from school. Academics are
one of my highest priorities, but would be useless without
occasional relaxation. Above my desk hangs a bulletin
board. Similar to the calendar, it holds important pieces
of information, as well as a few personal items. A postcard,
a present from my grandfather, would likely catch oneās
eye. The postcard is from my homeland, and includes
a famous quote by Mahatma Gandhi. It reminds me of the
country I was born in, and the ties I have to my original
culture. Directly below the postcard hang a few baby
pictures of myself, mementos of a simpler time. Alongside
my desk is a computer, without which I could not survive.
The slightly outdated, yet fully competent Apple Macintosh
aids with school, and, nearly any other activity I participate
in. The Mac also has a modem, connecting me to the global
community linked through the Internet. I am very interested
in the Internet, and have found it a very useful source
of information for everything ranging from tomorrowās
weather to buying a new car. Upon leaving my workspace,
I hope my possessions would convey that I am serious
about my work, but I approach it with practicality and
a grain of salt.
On
the other side of my room lies my relaxation area, commonly
referred to as a bed. Strewn about the bed are two magazines
which represent my interests, MacWorld and Time. I read
these magazines daily, to keep up with current events
as well as advancements in the information age. Atop
my bureau lays the latest work by Stephen King. The
content may not be as deep and insightful as Jane Austenās
or Keats, but his stories serve their purpose in providing
light entertainment. The bed is unmade, a fact for which
I feel no remorse. Although my mother disapproves, I
consider an unmade bed a symbol of rest and quietude.
My bed may be considered utilitarian, for its uses are
not limited to sleeping upon. Some of my best moments
of focus and concentration have occurred while lying
on the bed and staring at the ceiling, producing thoughts
ranging from T.V. shows to pondering college life. Few
teen rooms can be considered complete without a loud
stereo and an assorted collection of tapes and C.D.ās.
My room is no different-my music collection occupies
two shelves. Past the techno-rubble of the Eighties
lie my current favorites, alternative rock. If a visitor
were to turn on the stereo, he would find a couple presets
devoted to "homework" music, classical and light jazz.
I find that these sounds provide a sense of tranquility
while trying to do homework, write reports, or complete
college essays. My bed and surrounding areas represent
my non-academic, more human interests. They personify
the activities and hobbies which I truly enjoy, and
provide a breather from some of the more rigorous aspects
of life.
After
exiting my room, I would hope my visitor learned a few
important things about me. I consider my academics seriously,
and devote much of my time (and room) to them. However,
they do not necessarily dominate my existence; loud
music and Stephen King novels also play a role.
COMMENTS:
While
no one felt that this essay was strongly flawed, they
made a number of suggestions about how the author could
have rewritten the essay to create more of an impact.
The
writing style is a little too rigid. The writer
should let go of the fear that he wonāt be taken
seriously unless he uses a formal style. The writer
should replace stodgy sounding phrases like "while
touring my room," with the more straightforward,
"as you look around my room." If this were one of
my students asking advice, Iād pat him on the back
and say, "Lighten up, itās your bedroom. Donāt use
words like quietude and utilitarian. Relax and have
fun with this."
The
last paragraph needs to be dropped altogether. If
the essay has done itās job, recaps like this are
obvious and unnecessary.
This
essay does not, unfortunately, convey an impression
of a very active person. Whether or not he meant
to, I picture the author as someone who spends a
lot of time alone in his room playing with his computer
and reading lightweight novels. I donāt see what
he would contribute to campus life. This is something
that applicants to technical institutions in particular
should be wary of. Admission officers at such places
tend to be especially unreceptive to applicants
who seem to believe that being a "computer jock"
is all the credentials they need for admission.
Back
to Example Essay Structures
|
Login
Sign Up
Advisor